This is a question I get asked the most from a loved one, a friend of an addict, or just someone who is outside looking in. “I mean it just does not make any sense. They have been clean for 5 years, they know how much they lost the last time, and the time before that. It’s like watching the same movie over and over and over. I don’t understand, THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO ME! There must be something that does not line up in the process of remembering, it is unbelievable.” This is what one thinks and sees when they watch someone relapse back into the abyss of their addiction, their lying, their excuses, their hate, their Mr. Hyde.
What exactly is one thinking?
This is the million-dollar question. Why would someone go back into their addiction when everything has been proven, they have recovered, and they have had a taste for the good life – a life that is without all the darkness that follows one who is addicted? Not only is this complicated, it is close to impossible to be able to help a person understand why someone after a good period of not using alcohol or drugs would return to a full-blown addiction. There are so many angles that can and do play into this mystery. Granted, I am not a medical professional or even a licensed clinical counselor, I am a drug-free addict who has been clean for going on 35 years, someone who relapsed over twenty-five times during that period and could go back to a full-blown addiction tomorrow. Taking that a step further, not only could I go back tomorrow, but I would enjoy it. That is where the sickness is in a recovering addict. “I would even enjoy it.” The very first thought that comes to my mind is the euphoria, the feeling so good about me, the sex, even the uncertainty or the thrill of dodging loved ones, the police, my job, my life. I know that sounds so backwards, but your mind is so powerful in the way it works. How one can have all the plus side feelings toward an addiction before one stops and really remembers the reality of the hurt not just to others, but also the hurt to oneself? Yes, we can see and feel the hurt we caused in others, yet when it comes to addiction others are not in the equation. This is where the relapse happens when you keep yourself from remembering reality, what really happened in all your previous drug or alcohol episodes, the aftermath. Your mind will automatically flash, you remember the enjoyment, the first high, the things you wish you did regularly and once high that you did with ease. It only takes hours or just a day, to be right back in one’s addiction at the same tolerance level as your last run that took years to achieve. Your tolerance level that took 5 years to reach in your original run (addiction) can and will be achieved by morning.
In a split second you’re blindsided, finding yourself in the wrong place with the wrong people or even that one situation where not even a seasoned recovering addict could resist, maybe an event or a life-changing situation has happened, a trigger, a death, a divorce, or even a raise at work. The truth behind most relapses is that they do not just happen overnight or on the spur of the moment. A relapse happens, days, even months prior to the initial act of getting high, or taking that drink. It is self-generated, like giving yourself a little push here, and another here, and in no time the ball starts to roll downhill. This is where “The Magic” happens, it is where your actions are not completely visible to yourself, like your self-conscience has been altered and you are only seeing part of the movie. You are doing things, even the smallest of things, that just two weeks ago you knew that just thinking about them was not good for you (red flags). “Oh, I can watch the game at the Sports Bar, that doesn’t mean I’m going to drink!” “Why not? I mean all my friends will be there.” You find yourself driving by your old connections house where just weeks ago you would drive ten extra miles to ensure you were never near that area or reaching out to an old friend who is still well in their addiction thinking you can help. Your whole way of thinking is being setup for the relapse that is coming. Things which were not even thinkable two weeks ago are now slowly becoming part of your daily walk. At first, you really do not see it in your mind, your addiction, your illness. It is taking over little by little, it is a process. You do things that you know you should not do, yes small things, one today, two tomorrow and the pattern is set. The one common factor at this stage is the lack of your ability to see what destruction, devastation, and damage will occur from your relapse, that doesn’t even factor in at this point. You cannot stop that ball from continuing to roll downhill and the ball gets heavier and heavier and well, you get the picture – it is not good! It is sad, incredibly sad! You are like a truck going downhill with little to no brakes at all, and the scariest, the saddest part is you are not the driver anymore. Just a month ago you would have had no problem at all separating facts and reality regarding your addiction. This is where the illness is identified in your having little to no control over the relapse which is going to happen. The mind is such a strong factor in everything we do, yes, I am 100% on board with addiction as an illness, there is science behind the genetics of there being addiction intertwined in one’s DNA. You can have diabetes; you can have addiction. It is not as simple as “Why can’t he just stop?” “JUST DON’T DO IT!” With all of that proven and studied for years this is not what we are trying to bring to light. We just want to help everyone to better understand that by someone relapsing, returning to their addiction is not as simple as “well they have chosen that over me, over our children, over their job? What about the new house we just bought? I thought we were doing so good, this can’t be happening again!” It is so much deeper than that, it has little to nothing to do with the kids, the job, the house. What has happened is the addict with the desire to use or the person with the desire to drink, has answered the knock at the door and it is not a friend.
